A few seconds can make a world of difference in your relationships, conversations, and how you are perceived. With inspiration from three seconds in Paris, I will take you through the art and science of making brief encounters more rewarding. The information Is useful for parents, teachers, leaders, and anyone wishing to improve their communication skills – There are eight brief sectons.
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Three seconds in Paris
Introduction video:
The scene: A city square near the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris. Åsa and I are tired of walking and are looking for a nice café to rest and revive ourselves. We wander into a square with several cafés, and a waiter catches our eye and leads us into his café without saying a word. We ordered, and everything was fine, but I got to wondering, what the heck just happened?
Why did we end up here and not another place? My profession as an educational psychologist kicked in, and I started to analyze those three seconds before we decided where to go. What did the waiter do right? What were the small details that made a difference?
It is years later as I write these words, and I still reflect upon those three seconds.
In this course, we will talk about the first twenty seconds. That’s lots of time either to make a good first impression, create trust, or enhance a relationship.
Welcome!
The photos in this course are all from unsplash.com and can be traced for the source.
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-3 seconds before – when you choose to engage
I can’t think of anything more critical to your well-being, development, and success than the quality of your relationships. You have relationships with friends, colleagues, family members, guests, customers, and even with strangers, for example, on a bus, train, or airplane.
Is every relationship important? Well, no, of course, some are more important than others. Still, if you want a friend relationship, customer relationship, colleague, or boss relationship to deepen, it is worth your while to think about how you can do that.
This is especially important if you are the relationship leader – for example if you are a parent, teacher, coach, team leader, or salesperson.
So, if you care about your relationships, it is logical to think about many of those brief meetings with others you have during your day and how you approach and carry out those short engagements.
If you care, and you should, you will learn some of the essential details of how to go about it.
Why this focus on twenty seconds? Sure, most of the time you will have more time, especially if you are a parent, teacher, coach, or even a salesperson. This mini-course is about brief encounters, those twenty seconds that can start or enhance trust and future cooperation when you are sometimes virtually standing on one foot on your way to your next event, meeting, or task.
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The point is that a lot of things happen in those twenty seconds, so let’s go through them. This one is called Minus 3. Minus 3 is about the three seconds when you see a person and make a decision to engage or not.
I don’t know about you, but I call myself an introvert. I hate parties, don’t mind doing things on my own, and am not keen on meeting new people. If you are a bit like me and don’t automatically throw yourself into “people” situations, you need to decide.
Do I want to meet this person? Should I meet this person (not always the same as wanting)? Is it expected of me to meet and greet this person? What are the potential rewards or risks? Am I the relationship leader in this situation and have a duty to engage, encourage and be curious? I may not be the relationship leader in this situation, but I do want to be seen, heard, and recognized?
Define a purpose for making contact – to make contact, enhance a relationship, get information, pure curiosity, or some other goal or purpose?
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-1 The body language of enagement
-1 One second before when you decide on both revere and purpose
You’ve made a decision to engage. What happens next? As you very well know, a big part of communication is your body language.
a. Eyes: In most cultures, eye contact is accepted and desired. Not everywhere, but almost everywhere.
b. Mouth: In most cultures, a smile is an opening to contact. No, you don’t have to overdo it, but the expression on your face definitely communicates your willingness, openness, and mood.
c. Head angle: You head a bit to the side, for most people, indicates interest and the ability to listen. Head straight on is not offensive but is harder to read. Move your head a bit to the side like you are talking on an old-fashioned telephone.
d. Revere: Move the upper part of your body a bit closer to your potential talking partner. This, too, shows your willingness to talk and engage. Watch it – not too close or that person will move back, but not too far away, which indicates a lack of interest or engagement. This is a bit tricky. Study how you normally do this and try to gauge its effect on others. Play with it a bit and understand this may be different for different people and cultures.
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We do these things without thinking about this. I suggest you think about it, experiment, and see how your behavior affects how others perceive you and act. Of course, your goal is to make the other person open to you, willing to engage.
How you use your eyes, mouth, head, and place yourself in relation to that person will be of help.
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Permission
0 The second you meet and gain “permission”
Now it’s time to meet. Sometimes this is done formally, like with a handshake or knuckle bump, high-five, or even a hug if you know each other well. Sometimes a head nod is all that is needed, expected, or wanted. How is the other person responding? Do they seem willing to meet, greet and exchange a few words?
We all make these split-second judgments. The signal you get back will not always indicate excitement or even willingness. It’s like the salesperson who receives a No and interprets the No as not forever but simply, No for just now. Move on. Each of you, also, may be in a hurry. There can be many reasons not to desire an engagement or exchange right then.
But if you see a glint of hope, the next step is a simple greeting. You say, Hi, Hello, How ya doing? Nice to see you, or whatever. That is basically a way of saying, “Is it okay to talk for a sec?” It’s sort of like being in a store and going up to a staff member and saying, “Can I ask you a question?” Of course, you can; it’s their job to answer questions and help. What you are really checking is, “Is it alright to interrupt a few seconds?” You are checking for permission to engage.
How you say your Hello is an art in itself, and here I would just like you to play in front of a mirror at home and say Hello in about seven different ways. Come on, do it.
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You need to be aware of your own body language and the intonation, and the way you say what you say.
Now that waiter in Paris didn’t say anything. Instead, he recognized two tourists were café hunting. He engaged with his eyes, and with a slight nod of his head, and opening of his hands as he lead us into his revere – the café. He certainly both knew his purpose – and how his behavior helped his purpose (more customers).
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Your opening
1 second in – your opening phrase, comment, or question
What are you going to say, more than hello? There are different types of engagements, and you need to make a decision based on your intention, how well you know each other, what your culture accepts, what you want to get out of the interaction, and how you judge the willingness of the person you are greeting to engage.
That’s a lot of information to consider, but, again, most of the time you do this without thinking about it. If you want to get better, then I suggest thinking about it.
There are plenty of neutral openings:
– How are you doing?
– What’s going on?
– How’s work?
– Good to see you, how are things?
– What are you doing here?
– How long have you been here?
– Etc.
Nothing wrong with that, but this course is called One-foot coaching conversations. I relate mostly to you as a relationship leader, having the primary responsibility in the conversation. If that is the case, and even if you are a curious peer and want to be a better, more interesting conversationalist, then maybe it’s a good idea to think up something more reflective. Some examples:
– Just curious, what did you get out of (or learn from) that X (conference, film, concert, book, lecture, meeting, project, party, etc.)?
– What was most interesting about that (person, conference, film, concert, book, lecture, meeting, project, party, etc.)?
– What surprised you about that (person, conference, film, book, lecture, meeting, project, party, etc.)?
– Where are you going from here? (Or another variation of What’s your next step? Or What’s important for you today? Or What are you looking forward to today?)
– What was most (rewarding, successful, unusual, etc.) about X (experience, project, meeting that person, etc.)?
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These responses will vary from – “same as usual, nothing special” to a detailed explanation. Of course, you cannot force your speaking partner to share thoughts and feelings, but at least you are giving that person the option while at the same time showing your interest.
A good conversationalist is like a good coach. They help people reflect upon purpose, values, behaviors, and next steps. And that can be done very quickly in a brief time together or help lead to a longer exchange of ideas and next steps.
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Curious affirmations
6 seconds in your follow-up comment, show “curious affirmation”
You’ve given your speaking partner a chance to reply. You listen with curiosity, of course. Show that you care about what they say. Some people will hardly say anything, others you’ll have a hard time stopping, Because we are, in this course, talking about a very brief conversation, you may have to interrupt. That’s okay, just so you do it out of curiosity.
There is a way of doing this, called “Keyword feedback.” You simply summarize the key concepts of your speaking partner’s response. When you do that, it’s okay to interrupt because they will understand you have good intentions. Then you pose a follow-up thought.
The keyword search is the approach I have used for years and years in conversations, coaching, mentoring, and leadership situations. It is the core of my longer course: Talkshow, Podcast, & Conversation Magic: Immediately turn your coaching and interviews into Eureka moments also available on Teachable.
It’s almost the same thing as a brief summary, but with keywords and phrases from your speaking partner or paraphrased by you.
When you do keyword feedback, your speaking partner knows not only that you’ve been listening but actually understand the gist or point of what they said.
Let’s say you are both on a break at a conference and you meet and greet a colleague, or if you are adventurous, mingle with one or more people whom you don’t know. You ask what they thought about the presenter and say they thought she was very dynamic.
You can reply: “You thought that she was a dynamic speaker. I often wonder how I could be more dynamic as a presenter and think about what I could do. You too?” This type of response zeroes in on the keyword, “dynamic,” explains your connection, and offers your speaking partner a chance to self-reflect. Now, you could get into a longer conversation, but it is often simply enough to note the keyword, which in itself helps your speaking partner reflect. If not now, then maybe later and that is just fine. This will certainly make you more of an interesting person to talk to. Don’t pry; just give an opening and then move on or close the conversation for the time being. Of course, you also have the option to stay on and exchange many more thoughts.
Please don’t talk about yourself too long. Coaches sometimes say, “Park your own story”. A brief self-reflection or anecdote could be okay like the one above, but your purpose is always to put your speaking partner in first place, not you. I started with a personal anecdote from Paris, but don’t fill this course with dozens more.
Another example. You meet your teenage son or daughter at home after school. You could say, “How was school today?” which is neutral and gives options for answering but will usually lead nowhere. “Fine.” “Okay,” or “Nothing special.”
You could ask, “What was different at school today?” Or “What was the most unusual fact you learned today?” Or, “What did your favorite teacher do right today?” These questions may not lead to the world’s greatest responses either, but they certainly have more potential than “How was school today?” The point is not always the answer but the potential for a deeper conversation and relationship down the road. Now or later, ask a question that provides a potential for more thought or conversation. You might not get a response now, but you are opening up doors. It doesn’t take long to open up a door.
Other examples of questions:
· What did you get out of X?
· What would you like to know more about?
· Did any special idea stand out?
· What is one thing that you will take with you or remember?
· Where can you get more information?
· Who knows more about this and can help you?
· When and where can you apply this learning?
· Anything specific you disagree with?
· What would you have liked to be more focused on (meeting, lecture, conference, etc.)?
The advantage of these types of questions is that they confirm your curiosity. They are also openings to a longer conversation in the future if you don’t have time right now. You get your speaking partner to think and that makes you an interesting person to talk to. Just don’t overdo it. This is a conversation, not an interrogation.
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Don’t expect solutions. Sure, it’d be great to put your finger on a specific behavior for the next day to move each other forward. No problem going for that, but don’t expect it. Identifying the next step is a consequence of a good conversation, and you can try to for that, not always expect it.
Don’t expect emotional catharsis. That’s not what you want. Instead, these brief interactions should primarily focus on thoughts and cognition. Sure, if your friend or colleague needs and wants to vent their feelings, you listen and accept and perhaps ask a few questions, but that’s a longer and different type of conversation.
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You are in the trust and cooperation business
12 seconds and counting
Connect as you conclude. “I guess we’re both going to think about how to be more dynamic. You said the one thing you can do is reduce your number of slides in order to have more focus on yourself. As for me, I think I need to find more personal examples.”
“You say your teacher wears weird clothes? Is it sometimes good to get a little weird? How are you weird in a good way?”
There is hardly anything more valuable to building trust and cooperation than a good affirmation. Remember that famous Eric Berne book from way back, “I’m Okay, You’re Okay?” You are basically saying, “I heard you and it got me thinking. You heard me and hopefully, it got you thinking.”
That’s an excellent result from a very brief conversation.
“Do you usually come here?” could be a pick-up line, but actually is not bad as an opening question. What do you get out of it? Why do you keep coming back? Where are you going from here? – Those are reflective questions that can be the result of a very benign and simple beginning.
Some warnings:
Don’t be over-ambitious. This is not therapy nor an official coaching situation. You just want to be perceived as a person who can listen, care and ask reflective questions.
Don’t be disappointed. You will not always get short, clever, thoughtful, and reflective responses. “Food for thought” is just as good as a detailed next step. You are in the trust and cooperation creation business, and you do not force thoughts and feelings, only give openings.
Don’t expect solutions. Sure, it’d be great to put your finger on a specific behavior for the next day to move each other forward. No problem going for that, but don’t expect it. Identifying the next step is a consequence of a good conversation and you can try to for that, not always expect it.
Don’t expect emotional catharsis. In fact, that’s not what you want. These types of brief interactions should mostly focus on thoughts and cognition. Sure, if your friend or colleague needs and wants to vent their feelings, you listen and accept and perhaps ask a few questions, but that’s a longer and different type of conversation.
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Wish each other well
18 seconds in – you’re rounding off and wishing your partner well
Thanks. Thanks for sharing. Good luck. Good luck with your presentation tomorrow. It may be a very long time since you were in Kindergarten, but “Please and thank you” will never go out of fashion.
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Thanks for your participation.
And remember:
Eyes
Mouth
Head
Revere
Your eyes, mouth, and head also say thanks and communicate encouragement.
Even the briefest of conversations can be empowering.
This time it only took 20 seconds while you were (almost) just standing on one foot as you took a step forward. Isn’t that a rewarding meet, greet, encouragement, and empowerment?
Thank you and good luck – and please follow along to the longer and more in-depth course Talkshow, Podcast, & Conversation Magic: Immediately turn your coaching and interviews into Eureka moments. LINK
Johns books in English on Amazon. LINK
John Steinberg, steinberg.se,